It's an umbrella, ella, ella term...

...Pop, that is. It's technically, as we all know, just an umbrella term for music that's, well, popular (and generally, though not always, manufactured with the express intent to be so). Sometimes it catches and sometimes it don't. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it ain't. (Hi, welcome to Earth.) And this track that, despite ourselves, we're about to gush over? Yes, we know it's everywhere. Yes, radio and TV have probably killed it by now and you've probably already got the whole album anyway. Wouldn't be caught dead, you say? Mas Sexi say relax!

MP3: Rihanna - "Umbrella"

After having been turned down by the likes of Mary J. Blige, Akon, and Hilary Duff, "Umbrella"--written by Terius "Dream" Nash and C. "Tricky" Stewart, the same guys who whipped up that Britney Spears single where Madonna plays the hater grandma--eventually trickled down from Karen Kwak at Universal to Island Def Jam's LA Reid and so, finally, to Rihanna and Jay-Z (who makes an opportunistic play at being the male Madonna by reaching with a rap verse over the beginning of the song).



I wonder what that's like, you know? To have passed up a song that went on to debut at #1 on iTunes on the day of its digital release (the biggest debut in iTunes' six-year history), made history in the U.K. by being the first single by a female artist ever to debut at #1 on the Official Singles Chart on download sales alone, and is still topping nearly every other chart imaginable? I wonder if the bigwigs over at Jive Records are lamenting Britney's lost chance (and, admittedly, lost marbles) at snagging a song that's rumored to have been offered, turned down, and may have made for an impressive comeback. Chris Brown realized the potential there and jumped on it in one hot minute with an answer song called "Cinderella"--it's the exact same song with Brown's own auto-tuned lyrics about "looking for the one with the glass slipper" dubbed over the original musical track. There's also a "remix" (really just a hip hop term for "additional guest rap verses inserted at will") featuring Lil Mama, and it's not nearly as good as her own debut single, "Lip Gloss", but it replaces Jay-Z's original verse and that's good enough for me.

And wouldn't you know it? Rihanna's actually singing! We loved playing "S.O.S." at Meatball Magic, not just because of that Soft Cell sample, but also because no one really cares about vocals when the song is that fun. "Umbrella" caught us off guard, though. It's not exactly a floor-filler; not a ballad or anthem either, really, but it's undeniably irresistible. Her 19-year-old voice, even on that cheesy bridge verse, seems to have matured into something that can hold up to the production. And kudos to whoever mixed the track; it sounds awesome. The tail end of that bridge, when it swells back into the chorus in a slightly altered key, is squeaky clean.

MP3: Rihanna - "Breakin' Dishes"

The only other track on the album (titled Good Girl Gone Bad, by the way) that Dream and Tricky mutually collaborated on is "Breakin' Dishes," but if you didn't know better (and I didn't, actually, at first), it could just as easily have been done by Timbaland. It's practically a straight rip of "Maneater," but with a meaner "Sunglasses at Night"-on-a-rampage feel that rumbles up from the floorboards. Those "I don't know who you think I am" and "I'ma fight a man" hooks even sound like they were recorded by Nelly Furtado herself, but while "Maneater" is the modern pop song that all new pop songs are inevitably compared to, "Breakin' Dishes" is bound to be a fleeting and brazen pastiche that will no doubt get asses bouncing for a minute or two.

MP3: Rihanna - "Lemme Get That"

One of three tracks on the album that actually is produced by Timbaland, however, is "Lemme Get That." Ok, two things. First--that fucking backing track! Imagine a high school marching band parading down the streets of Rihanna's native Barbados playing reggaeton covers. It delights me. I'm literally delighted. You've got to hand it to Timbaland: the man is occasionally absolutely brilliant, and tracks like this, when handed to us along with our asses, seem to exist solely to remind us of that fact right when we're about to forget.

Secondly--this robo-diva persona Rihanna seems to be morphing into? I'm in. Whoever decided to slash her hair into that angular Aeon-Flux 'do and squeeze her into some fetish gear knew exactly what they were doing. It suits that icy android voice of hers--and the current pop-friendly hipster-asshole scene--quite nicely. That's something our friends across the pond do really well. It's that cold Euro-pop that's cool enough to fit in anywhere without being soulless, but has you centered in it's red-hot predatory stare. Alison Goldfrapp, we salute you.

So dance, friends! Ain't no shame! Besides, it's a lot cooler than standing there with your arms crossed.